And consequently so

I always find myself doing particular actions in a fierce attempt to prevent things from happening...and then, despite all my efforts, because of those efforts, the prevented action happens anyway. I stand, and I think to myself. If I hadn't worried about it in the first place, it probably would have never happened! *headdesk*

Either...I worry too much which causes that worried event to happen, Or it's just fate and there's nothing I can do about it. It was simply meant to happen and that's that. I suppose there is no way to track whether it was destined to happen or not. There is no machine that will take me back in time to try something different and see the outcome. How interesting life would be, if one could try different actions and then pick the best of the actions tested... I suppose that would be everyone's 'perfect world.' It would be without mistakes, or less of them to say the least. 

I've recently decided that I will just stop taking insane precautions. I'll just cry and let it out, and then it'll be over. There's no use bottling it. Too much pressure makes things explode. And exploding is just messy, and it's not fair to make someone else clean it up. 

This is so unfair!

I've noticed how everyone becomes the sore loser at one point in their life. Everything is fair, until you lose. Until it happens to you. 

I noticed this particularly when we played our own game of survivor. There were thirteen of us playing, plus a moderator. We competed in challenges until the final two, in which case, the people who were voted out vote the winner. The point of the game is to outplay and outlast other competitors, and often times this means getting rid of good players because of their threatening qualities. Some of the people started complaining about aspects of the game, but...I don't feel like a lot of it was legitimate. 

If you got voted out, that means you didn't play the game as well as you could have. Your alliances didn't hold up, or you didn't make any at all, anything that made you vulnerable in the game. Some people just cannot accept the fact that they had to go, but know perfectly well that they would be totally fine if they were on the other side of the glass.  

This only reaffirms the fact that everyone's a hypocrite. That's all. A sort of ranty rant.

What kinda hat would you wear?

My train of thought is much different than a lot of other people. For one, I think more in emotions and pictures than I do in words. I find it hard to stay on topic, or something will always remind me of something else so it's difficult to stay focused for long periods of time if it isn't something I'm interested in. 

 Often enough my mind moves very fast. It goes from one topic to something that would seem completely unrelated... Like a very, very super speedy slide show. (Nice alliteration, no?) 

I can start off thinking about frogs, then think frogs sit on lillypads, to ponds, to swans (who swim in ponds) to The Swan Princess (one of the most hilarious animated films EVER), to magic (since the bad guy turns into the beast in the end), to wands, to wood, trees, to the earth, to leaves and stems, stems to flowers, daisies, that song called Daisy, to love, to holding hands...etc.

Frogs...to holding hands. And some of the connections I make, may not make sense, but in my mind, it is totally logical. I think everyone's like that though in some way. People wouldn't disagree as often if everyone thought the same way. What is logical to one person certainly cannot always be logical to another person. Although I wish there wasn't so much controversy, life wouldn't hardly be as interesting if everyone agreed all the time. Granted, sometimes. I really don't understand what people could be thinking. 

I don't have it.

Today in the middle of my art exam, my teacher came over to me and told me that I needed to work on my sense of color. He told me that I tend to get confused, and that I was going about it in a direction that probably didn't work for my art. That there was a fine line between going realistically and drawing whimsically animated, and due my inexperience as a young artist, I'm still having trouble finding that line. That it seems I'm often really unsure, and that although I would like to have freedom in my work, that maybe it's not time yet. 

Naturally, it threw me for my whole exam. Suddenly, my painting looked all wrong and funny... instinctually, I painted over it. For the last half hour, I frustratedly attempted to do something to make it look better, but everything looked merely clumsy and amateurish.  

I left the exam suddenly feeling very scared and intimidated of art -Like anything I was going to put down on paper was going to come out horrible and wrong. I was even afraid to doodle, something that usually lets me just express myself and not worry. My thoughts felt suddenly confined and boxed because they were beaten and are too afraid to return... Like a forced artist's block. 

After further reflection, and some other frightening rejection anecdotes, I've come to the realization (again), that people learn from their mistakes. Like many others who are knocked down, I must get back up again and move on. As they say, the only way to get better is to practice, practice, practice. 

Girls are the root of all evil.

Girls are complicated. I won't lie. Often we say one thing, mean another. Negatively skew things and are easily insulted. We absolutely need open communication, but terrify those out of honesty. 

I know I always say that honesty is the best policy. When someone tells me they're afraid to tell me because I'll get mad, I'll get mad. I can't help it. I don't like thinking that I'm not approachable in any sort of fashion. Even if I do become upset, it's better to know and work it out, than to hide feelings which only leads to tension later.

I believe strongly in communication. Mostly because when communication doesn't happen, problems tend to occur. So please, just say what you want to say.

Scored Discussion.

I'm not a competitive person. I don't like competing for things. All I find it brings, is ill feelings toward people, over something silly. It's much less stressful for me to just play a game to play the game- Not to focus on kicking the crap out of my friends and reveling in total world dominating bragging rights that may come along with it. 

It's similar for my grade. I had scored discussions (sorry Wilcox) because it's all a competition for a grade. It's based on a curve that starts at the person who has performed the best. There is no real rubric, only competition. Based on the past scored discussion, it relies on who can talk the most and who can bring up the most relevent points. If you aren't an aggressive person, like me, this is difficult. I have plenty  of things to say, but between me and another outspoken person, I have no chance.

  I don't like competing. Especially for my grade. By monopolizing, I earn the resentment of my classmates for not letting them say anything, but a better grade. By not saying anything, I don't interfere with another's grade, but I lower my own. (In this case, my grade immensely depends on this.) Why is this suddenly a moral decision? Is it even? 

Last scored discussion, I walked out feeling most of us had done very well, and talked regularly. There were some who talked more than others, but those people, most of us considered were the monopolizers. Unfortunately, those were the people who got the best grades. I checked my grade, low B. I didn't understand. I've come to the conclusion that to get a good grade, you need to talk a lot. Unfortunately, I'm concerned of mine and others' capability. Is this fair?

This is already a comment, but what the heck.

Someone brought up dressing up to go to church, and I would like to share a small thought about it. 

I think the ultimate point of going to worship, is to worship. It is by no means worrying about whether you're cool-casual outfit is matching your shoes. I suppose some say to dress up is being respectful, or showing respect, but I feel like God (in my case) knows me anyway. If I can pray to him in my pajamas, or in the shower, should it really change for church? 

In the middle ages, when people alike went to church daily, particularly peasants, did they change their clothes to go to church? I doubt it. 

(By the way, I'm not claiming I know knowledge. If someone would like to prove me wrong about that, I'd be happy to humble down.)

My point is, people go to church for their religion. I think something like dressing up shouldn't be an issue about it, or debated.  You can dress up or dress down. It should not matter.