On a Roll!

Once you get deep into something, you cannot stop yourself! The ball will continue to roll until you tear yourself away and stop running on top of it.

I envy Reshma and Ian's intelligence for recording thoughts over the summer. I thought a significant amount, but failed to come on and write about it. Some of these thoughts included:

-People need multiple groups of friends so their life doesn't crumble if something happens.
-Even though parents say they trust you, sometimes, they really don't mean it.
- I need a job if I'm going to function. (As in, spoil people)
-Why aren't there a lot of clouds this summer to see pictures in?
-I really wish it was cold, but I know in a couple months I'll wish for the exact opposite
-Cats pwn dogs. Probably because they act so much more like humans, which I find fascinating
-Why didn't I ask what type of cheese that German woman used?
-I can never go into childcare, or teaching, (I couldn't handle grades)
-I cannot wait until college, even though I'm almost positive it will be like an older version of high school.
-How do I make a difference in the world with Archaeology?? (I would be a doctor, but blood makes me a little queasy)
-Wow. Time flies. School..again!

Shock

I've been taking note of people around me, and it's incredible how judgmental some people are. It's also incredible how blatantly fake some people can be. Its shocking.

These observations only further cause me to agree with "No exit." People are a hell in themselves, yet, people need people to function properly. That is, function the way society wants them to. Honestly, I could be so fake to fit in, and be exactly what everyone wants: but that only leads to one thing : criticism of how 'fake' you're being. It is the ultimate double-edged sword that is completely unavoidable. No matter what, you will always be surrounded by people who will judge you and find reasons as to why your personality is not good enough.

Who knows whether it has something to do with a humans need for power and acceptance; there is always a bully's alibi -Put someone down to make yourself feel better. With everything going on in a person's life why can't *incoming cliche*

EVERYONE JUST GET ALONG?!?!

ACT

I'm not comparing myself to people.

I am simply feeling inadequate when the people around me happen to do much better. THere is nothing wrong with feeling inferior when you struggle at something everyone else seems to succeed at.

When I say struggle: it's not really a struggle. It's average, some may even say better than average. But even so, when you're around people who do excellent, your better than average starts to look more and more like a struggle. It's frustrating because I'm not a good test-taker. I'm better at essays than multiple-choice and (in the words of Chloe) "it's much easier, when you know what you're talking about."

Standardized tests have little information you can prepare for. You have no idea what information you'll be tested on. All you know is the amount of questions, the amount of time, and that the topics are over things you "should have covered during high school."

To me, I have trouble understanding how one test can account for all of the different types of possible classes a student takes. None of them are going to be the same, and based on the information: you could learn very little of what will be on the test. Maybe no English teacher has ever gone over grammar since 1st grade, so there's no telling how many grammatical errors you make naturally and do not realize it. (Obviously Mr. Wilcox, if you've been reading my writing long enough, you'll notice I have comma issues that no one has explicitly corrected.)

SO basically. I have to go in tomorrow morning. And I'm nervous. The end.

Opposing views.

Jm recently posted a view on the reasoning to why he feels wanting people skills is selfish, and I completely disagree. A work ethic is far more selfish than wanting to interact with people.

A good work ethic, for the most part benefits the self. It allows YOU to get things done. They may be for someone else, but the typical high school teenager wants a better work ethic to get homework done and over with to do what THEY want to do. Yes, in the future that will benefit an employer, but the work ethic is what will get them there in the first place. If we're going to compare, that seems pretty selfish in itself.

Wanting good people skills can be given the same argument. If you have good people skills and work with a career in relations, that will benefit your employer. If psychologists, teachers, doctors, or anyone who deals with customer service didn't have good people skills, they wouldn't have that job: No one would trust them. Wanting good people skills can be beneficial to other people if a person comes across someone who needed a friend. If the person with people skills didn't have those attributes, that would negatively affect the person desiring comfort. Yes, good people skills may aid in making friends and having friends, but that is not the only side of the argument.

And frankly, wanting good people skills and wanting to handle conflict easier are different answers with different backgrounds to them.

GAH

Apparently, it is difficult to get fired at Calvin Klein. In order to be fired, you need to be written up so many times - enough to prove that you're detrimental, and then you can be fired.

Apparently, not doing your job is not enough to get fired. Even if you get written up a lot, it is not enough to be asked to leave. The only way is to cut hours, and hint for a person to quit. This fact is so frustrating to me. Why pay people who are actually doing work the same as a person who slacks and leaves work to be done? How is that fair at all?

The same is with teachers. Although the idea that everyone is equal is all good and great, but the facts are: there are better teachers.

The system is unfair, and he needs to just get fired and stop making racist and sexual comments at people. I cannot believe that is not enough to get him fired!


GAH

NO TIME FOR THINKING!

I've written about this before, but it definitely came into play the other day. You CANNOT rush artistic ideas. It's impossible. I always think that pushing your mind to produce an idea that is not there never works. It has to BE there. Unless it's a rushy idea....but that's completely diffferent. Attempting to force something out of my brain that wasn't ready for it does not work. At all.

This was very evident with the last week of the quarter in art. My first project took much of the quarter, and left me with a couple days to do a whole project. That weekend was one of the most stressful weekends the whole year. Too much needed to get done too quickly, and it did not work out the way I wanted it. Although near impossible, it would be ideal to arrange a schedule around a thinking process, but there do need to be deadlines.

Therefore. One should plan ahead so they aren't trying to accomplish too much in one night. The mind has so many ideas flying around, it needs time to sort it out. Who knew that the planner was actually helpful? The mind works too fast to keep everything in check, you almost have to write things down. I do not believe anyone can keep track of all their thoughts and remember everything!

The Science of Mastering

Technically, it takes 10,000 hours to master any task. If you calculate it, that is approximately 1 1/8 years straight of doing something over and over again. 10,000 hours: That's 416 days. Doing something straight for over a year without stopping will get a person to excel at anything.

IN retrospect, there are few things that humans have master by 17 years of age. In fact, very quickly (as in, a matter of a few years), all humans master the tasks of:
Breathing
Sleeping
Eating
Walking

And....that's about it. Unless you happen to be a prodigy, or were started on something in the early years of your life, there is not much that teenagers could say they were masters at. A little disappointing, but logical. As a student, it seems like studying or doing homework should be an easier task after 12 years of it, but that being said, the difficulty of the homework increased, and the material changed.

However, I think it is interesting that the thing getting mastered first are the tasks that are key to survival. Obviously, you breathe all the time to get oxygen to your body. You eat and sleep to gain and restore energy, and you walk to transport from one place to another. If it wasn't for emotions, that would really be all that was needed. Makes sense, I suppose.

Bodies!

The other day, we visited the Bodies Exhibit down in Cleveland as a biology field trip.

Fetusfetusfetusfetus.

It was extremely interesting to see real body parts (although plasticized, they looked very real)
The most interesting, and possibly the most controversial, part of the whole exhibit was the fetal development room. It showed the week-by-week life of a growing being from the beginning. There was a sign warning against faint-hearted people, and a constant heartbeat could be heard in the entire wing.

I don't know what about the exhibit made it so eerie and unreal. Possibly just to have little (what was potential) lives sitting in front of you to get as close as you want (without touching of course) gave the whole experience such a surreal quality. It's one thing to read about how things work in a textbook, and a whole other situation when you see it in real life. The tangibility of something always has a much bigger impact on the mind and one's emotions than anything else.

It's similar to reading about death. If you watched someone die the way it is described in books, that circumstance will impact your life much more forcefully than anything you could watch on tv or read in a novel.

Oral COMmentary

I've taken voice lessons before, and my teacher used to record them so I could listen. Even singing I couldn't stand the sound of my own voice. It makes me cringe, or just feel embarrassed. I fin it strange that most people cannot handle the sound of their own voice. Is that only because it sounds different than how we hear ourselves within our head, or simply some aversion people have about themselves.

It is almost the same as looking in a mirror, and comparing it to looking at yourself in a photograph. Most of people will agree, they prefer their reflection to how they actually look. Is this because there is that big of a difference, or because people are simply just used to their face backwards? As for me, I definitely prefer the appearance of my reflection. I feel like it hides my lazy eye, but all of my friends agree that my reflection makes it more obvious. Similarly, I cannot stand own voice being recorded. This makes me worried for the oral commentary for English. Although I only hear the beginning over to make sure I'm speaking clearly, it weirds me out being recorded. It puts an immense amount of pressure because a recording is permanent. It can be continuously replayed so nothing is forgotten.

It does not have anything to do with the fact of analyzing the poem, and everything to do with the fact that there's a time constraint and the veryvery NOT temporary nature of the assignment. We get one shot, and then it's over. It is worth about 20% of the grade, and you never even know what score you get. Ever.
All this worrying for such ambiguity. I suppose that's what IB is about.

That's it pop tart! I'm gonna dog-pound you straight to China!

The other night, I watched Bitch Slap, a movie about three slutty women who find themselves involved in a top-secret crime and reward. It was absolutely horrible; although there was no one to blame, we watched it for the sole purpose of making fun of it.

What I did not expect, was the intense amount of unnecessary graphic violence included throughout the entire film. These scenes range from breaking someone's penis, to raking someone in the chest, to slicing someone with a bladed yo-yo, to ho-hum explosions of cars.

Between scenes of utter ridiculousness and name-calling, was basically soft-core porn.

Beautiful combination, no? So. Basically....hilarious, but hardly thought provoking. Except, in the end, they throw in a line to attempt any deep train of thought; as if the writers looked over their work and decided to make a last effort to save it.

Four words:

IT DID NOT WORK

As promising as the title made it, it will never be a good movie, and it will never be anything more than a video to either make fun of or to enjoy lesbian make out scenes. As a disclaimer: we had no idea what the movie was about when picking. We're not creepy, we promise! But we do enjoy a good laugh, which was the only thing Bitch Slap is good for.

Genetic brain?

Particularly with colleges, if you're related to someone who went to that college, it somehow guarantees an intelligence level. However, I don't believe it works that way. There are studies shown that kids with intelligent parents are more likely to be intelligent themselves, but how much is actual intelligence, and how much is personality or pressure within the family. Is it really possible for intelligence to be passed down genetically? The genetic information to create a brain is definitely passed down, but it's disputable as to whether the intelligence level is. Everyone thinks differently, how could it be possible to transfer a thinking process, or a level of thinking to offspring. That would be crazy. How could brain functions become genetically passed down.

This ties back again to the fact that we as humans know so little about the brain. Maybe we do pass down intelligence, but we have yet to access the part of the brain that would determine that.

Who knows. Go Science Go!

bullies

We watched Jeremy by Pearl Jam in English class. It made me hate bullies even more.

I honestly think some people are just mean, but for the most part, they are just insecure. They need to be right, they need to be dominant and strong. Sometimes those traits are useful and helpful, but there can be negative effects.

Bullies can take the form of many things. They can be violent, or verbal. Honestly, verbal abuse is always worse. Sticks and Stones hurt, but frankly: words hurt a lot. Especially when you don't expect them. Sometimes people don't realize their actions, and don't want to hear criticism from people who they think don't have a legitimate viewpoint. It's frustrating, knowing there is little you can do to change those people's minds. THEY ARE SO STUBBORN.

People who are just mean don't deserve the attention they get, and frankly, should be punished for it. (Although catching that kind of stuff would be ridiculous). If that kind of abuse goes to the point of someone's life ending, that, to me, is enough to make a person feel guilty for the rest of their life. To have that on a conscience would be devastating, and not only force someone to reevaluate their life, but their choices, their friends...etc. I wouldn't even know how to handle knowing I was responsible for someone else's death. Maybe not directly responsible, but the source of all the frustration: to the point where someone feels their life isn't worth living....

Freaky stuff. Horrible stuff.

People should not live in ignorance. That video should not be banned, the lesson within it is too important, and people need to hear it.

Add more- do better?

I find it ironic that the more activity added to your plate at a time, the more things get done in a day. Yes, that is logical, but in terms of homework. I always feel the more I'm involved in, the more I have to plan to get things done, and thus, things get done. It's magical.
When there is less going on, and more free time, a person can become too comfortable in their situation, and find all of their work getting put off.

However, on the contrary, when there is TOO much to the point where there is no time to do anything, that's when there's trouble. There needs to be enough time where you can plan to actually do things, but not too little time you cannot accomplish anything.

Like swimming. which is too intense. I enjoy it, but six days a week for 4 hours is not the kind of time I have with IB and everything else needing to get done. It just doesn't happen: it's impossible unless I drop EVERYTHING else. Maybe not, but I'm not willing to risk that. I learned my lesson Junior year.

But now:

IB, Working 20 hours a week, Play, NHS, Show Choir, Applying to College, Extended Essay, plus life, plus chores.
And I still manage to reasonably get it all done.
Some how.

I'm satisfied.

True inspriation

Is it possible to get an original idea: Something that is completely your own.

I find it difficult to even conceptualize. Almost everything is based off of something else for inspiration, or a demand. Is there anything that was designed based on something that had never been created or even thought of?

Have there ever been any circumstance where there wasn't any problem or situation that did not create an idea?

Even dreams, which have some bizarre and unexplainable occurrences are often theorized to stem from bits and pieces of thought that our minds mulled over during the day and put together into a sequence. Perhaps our minds generate so many ideas at once, we just cannot pin down or separate what is originally our own, and what is following what we're immersed in at the time.

It is said we only use a small fraction of our brain. What could people think up if more of that was accessed? Will that ever be possible? I'm almost positive none of these ideas have never been thought of before. In fact, I'm certain. I'm certain the majority of our thoughts are only relaying information we've seen or heard from another source. The mind draws the information from the source of inspiration, and conveys it in a unique way, but is that really unique if the information is not?

Maybe our minds will never know a unique thought. But that's what being intellectually aware is about. Generating and swapping new ideas. Often about things that are current that need to be changed. Does drawing a new idea from an already established idea count as a new idea, even though there is other information presenting the platform for that new idea already in place?

Maybe I'm not making any sense. I suppose you'll have to think about it.

mawwage. is wat bwings us togedahh.

I believe in marriage for life. You should be so sure, it's stressful. I was always under the impression that my parents got along well and were fine. But since my mom started school, they fight more and more. They had a really bad fight over the summer, and it freaked me out. It was so bizarre to see a union that had seemed perfectly fine (minus a few flaws, but who doesn't have them?) suddenly feel like it was falling apart.

My younger sister has become so paranoid and put off by it, she questioned my mom about it. My mom told my sister she was having trouble with my dad, and that things were not going so well....now my sister cries every time they fight.

I'm not sure who to blame. GAH.

I think both of them have issues they just need to let go of, and I believe that once my mom is out of school things will get better...but right now, I'm worried and concerned. My mom admits my father is still her best friend in the whole world, but he just gets on her nerves a lot.

I told my mom she needed to say something to my sister. She had no idea what my sister was going through. It's been better lately, I hope it stays that way.

just a random dabble into my personal life, how love can change from what it should be, or what it used to be.

In fact, i based a painting off of it. It had a flatline, and feathers from Eros (basically, the greek Cupid). The feathers started white, and slowly turned black by the end of the flatline. It was mostly conceptual, and you could interpret a lot from the piece, but that's where it came from; I didn't want to say it out loud.

Artsy fartsy.

I enjoy IB Art. It has intellectually forced me to make assumptions about myself and the events around me in ways I have never known. The class and the way it is structured forces me to actually think about topics in my life and convert it into art to express it to other people. Now when I talk about my art, I have research and meaning. I can talk about what thought went into each component, and what it's purpose is. It isn't just "I thought it looked cool" or "I dunno" when I'm answering questions.

The workbook is a pain and the time constraint is stressful and exhausting, but at the end, I'm always proud of what I accomplished and what I can show people i've done. I finally feel like a true artist, and it's exhilarating. That being said, there is such a thing as artist's block that can happen as often as you let it, but past that: creative ideas are a beautiful thing. To have an idea and know what elements to add - a stroke here, a line there- to convey an emotion or mood for a whole piece -in just a movement!

I am no expert. There is much I need to learn and experience, but I can feel it getting better
I have a direction, and I have the freedom to do it within the class (minus some details and markbands).
Art is finally what I want to do and FUN.

Nuff said.

Random summer dabbles... (but technically started in May)

Random almost summer dabbles...

I believe marriage is for life. I understand that people change, and I think that unless someone is being beaten, or some other extreme horror, people should be able to work it out. They loved each other once, right? Supposedly. A lot of people rush into it. You need to know that you're ready and that it's the right thing to do with the right person. See them for a while, unless you're certain. It's not fair to the kids.

Speaking of making your own choices, in terms of abortion and IVF, that's totally circumstantial and it's nobody else's business.If they want to have those kinds of choices in their life, that's their decision, not anybody else's.

Same with religion. It's no good forcing something down someone else's throat if they're just going to spit it back up again.

RIP Sam

My cat died three days ago. We only had him for about six or seven years, and now he's gone. He was one of my closest friends. I swear he understood English, or at least an inflection or a meaning. He lived a good life. Had some rough spots, but went out without pain and was put down with a smile on his face. I still miss him. I still wish he wasn't gone. I constantly think of all the scenarios that would occur should he still be here. Recently, every time I see the moon I think of him. (Ian's fault.) He had an hourglass between his eyes...

I've been unstable and unsure whether I'll cry or not in certain situations. I wish we would have taken more pictures of him. I don't want to smile when I'm crying, or be forced to feel better. Six years does not just go away in a few days. He slept with me almost every night of his life. Kept me up for many of them. Kept my secrets. Gave advice. Smart enough to open a door, or pop out a screen. And scared enough to needfully follow me around. I've had relatives die in my life, but none of them I ever knew well enough. I always felt bad because I felt like my parents were mourning and I was not. This is my first true experience at losing someone close in my life. I know it happens, but I never could really feel what it feels like to lose something and never be able to get it back again.

My heart mourns you. I'll miss you.

murderererererererer

I support homosexuality. I am not a homosexual, but I don't feel it is necessary for other people to tell someone who they can and cannot have feelings for. I was reading another blog the other day, and someone made a comparison between gay marriage and murder.

What????

Gay marriage does not equate to murdering someone.

Ridiculous.

Marrying someone you love is not the same as physically harming and ending someone else's life. I cannot even begin to believe that that is on the same level for someone. That doesn't make sense to me. At all. People say that it is unnatural for people of the same sex to love one another, but I think it is not so much unnatural as it is uncommon. People aren't used to seeing it, because not all of society has accepted it. This is the case despite the fact that it has been around for hundreds of hundreds of years. It is mentioned in the bible, but it also says that despite the fact that humans sin, God loves everyone regardless.

And for the record: It is a fact that being in monogamous relationships reduces the spread of STD's. Didn't they have health in school? Read a book.

fear like a puppeteer

I've noticed lately, that people are capable of horrible things. And thought we all know they are horrible, we can all still wrap our minds around it and move on with our lives. We are capable of understanding how horrible the world can be and still, we can find a way to push it out and be happy. Out of sight out of mind. We understand how certain people can be. Those who manipulate, torture, rape, steal, kill all make mistakes. And the world moves on. People move on. We have the ability to show compassion, and yet even after someone demands silence for a friend he killed in a car accident, people can still move themselves to clap anyway. It's shocking how death and horror can just flash through one's life time and be on the news and in the papers, and still... we all find reason to keep going. Most of us, are optimists in that way. Either that, or it is the "it's not happening to me" attitude.

Or I suppose this is just me and my ignorance. The fact that I can move on because these things are not happening to me may just be the reason why so many of us are similar. We have no experience dealing with that kind of tragedy.

Dressing up.

Dressing up is like reading a story, or acting. It allows you to feel or play different characters, or different personas. I've always liked dressing up. (Even when I don't leave my room). When I was little, I had the typical little girl fascination with princesses. I would only wear dresses, and would constantly skip about the house singing various disney songs. I know this, due to the glory of home videos. Different dresses make you feel differently. Different outfits can make someone feel differently. There are different moods, different looks to try and portray. There are so many things you can depict with different styles. If someone does not feel confident in what they are wearing, it can greatly affect how that person behaves, and visa versa with a lot of confidence. What people wear in clothing, I think, reflects a lot about their personality. You can often tell a lot about a person by how they dress and how they treat their bodies in regard to that. Most of the people I hang out with are pretty conservatively dressed, and I know that they are all, for the most part, conservative people. Similarly, those I know who dress a little more showy, tend to follow suit with their conduct. Not to say they aren't fun to be around, but to mention the amount of traditional respect they have for themselves. Although I do not judge a book by it's cover, typically, it tends to be the case.

Arrogance

This will be brief.

The arrogance that surrounds me grates on my nerves daily. I feel that everyone once in a while needs a nice slice of humble pie whether they are hungry or not. I've always tried to watch my bragging, or level of confidence in terms of how it is expressed towards other people, because I have experienced first hand that after a while, it is just obnoxious. So please, people. Here's your slice, I'm coming around.

No exit

People are hell.

There are no torture devices, no hellfire. People bring out the best in people, and they similarly bring out the worst in people.

I read No Exit. It depicts three people in hell and stuck in a room they cannot escape. There is a brief meeting with a doorman, but other than that, they are on their own. They are all responsible for why they are there, and they all know exactly what they did to earn their place in the room. They committed their separate crimes by their own free will, and now the three are condemned to a love triangle for eternity. That is the hell; that is the torture. The torture is in wanting what they cannot have, and being ruled by people that grate on your nerves. Although all humans constantly need more, and are hardly satisfied in life. They continue to accumulate possessions until they die. People get a taste of it in life, but in hell it is almost unimaginable to think of being locked in a box with people that you shall never escape from. You can never walk away or leave them and never see them again. They will be there beside you always. The torture.

Little wet tears on your baby's shoulder.

As a person, I cry a lot, and I feel a lot. I try not to show it, and I overreact more than I would like to admit. I can become set off my almost anything, but over the years, I've become a master at containing myself and running my patience. Things that some people feel I should overreact about, I don't. For the most part, I'm well-tempered, and few see through to the other side. The fasade at school and for most if not all of my friends is a lot to hold up all of the time. I don't want to seem broken, because I'm not. I'm not a shattered piece of glass that needs someone to come along and put me back together. I'm not saying this to seem like the run of the mill girl who freaks out at a lot, because I don't. I don't enjoy drama, and I don't enjoy making it. I'm not one to do what I shouldn't, and I'm not one to lie. When I say I cry a lot, it is generally because of a movie, book, or a sad story; I just happen to feel it a little more than others. I'm just emotional. If I feel anything to the extreme be it laughing, anger, stress, sadness, sometimes, I just cry. I try I tied for second in the top scores for the emotion test. So instead of concluding that I'm an emotional wreck, I will play the optimist, and say that I am merely in tune with my emotions.

People see you better than you see your self.

My friend brought up mirrors the other day, which got me thinkin.. We don't even see ourselves the way others do. Ever. It's not possible to be watching yourself at every minute of every day to judge. We don't think of ourselves the way others do for the same reason. In pictures, we're already changed; it's already in the past. Done. Over with. We never get a clear image of what we're really like. By the time the brain and the eyes have finished processing what just happened in front of them, time has already moved on without us. Anything we percieved has already happened. What we know as the present is non-existent. It's up to the people around us to see and judge us. They see the best and the worst, since everyone makes mistakes, while often times a person can be blind to mistakes they are making. It's funny how we are taught to know and love ourselves, when our concept of ourselves will always constantly and forever be skewed. We will never get a sense of ourselves in the present, it is physically unachievable. Actions speak louder than words or thoughts. It is up to our actions and our peers to decide. It is impossible for the self.

Rapture.

I finished Bioshock yesterday, a game reeking with morals.

You're first presented with the option of rescuing or harvesting little girls, rescuing gives less for you, but saves them, and harvesting gives more for you, and kills them. My dad was talking about how he harvested his first little sister that he came across, and just felt a little disgusted with himself. I never harvested one, but I'm glad I didn't. It seemed to work out better anyway by the end.

Is it worth it? To have so much power? It always seems that most people are too weak for power, and become consumed by the greed and corruption that surrounds the position. Only occasionally and heroically does someone come along who can handle it, or make the right decision.

The game was filled with a couple intense twists, the more major one about halfway through the game. (Or at least, I thought so.) The end was a bit of a let down, but overall, a wonderful play-through.

It seems that the people who don't have to deal with so much power and pressure are the happiest. Who found a family, love, friendship. Generally, a broken, empty city plagued with gore and insanity isn't mentioned in that list. It's a shame. That the people running such places, are so devout in those beliefs, they can't see themselves. They can't see the horrible things they've been doing, or when to finally quit and take a nap.

Weird. How some people's dreams can just lead to their demise.

Cottleston Pie.

Remember that post about meddling a while back? Hehe..yeah.

I read the Tao of Pooh, and found it to be fantastic. It turns out, those Taoists had the right idea all along. Things are the way they are. Don't meddle, just be.

This reading further encourages my determination to just let things happen. The more you interrupt the natural flow, the more complicated and troubled it becomes. Accept things for what they are. Be grateful. Don't waste time trying to save time, just use it, or else you'll find you've wasted it all attempting to save it. (Ironic, no?)

I found I was often learning just for the sake of learning, to appear smart to others, and not for the benefit that the knowledge would give me, or to give that knowledge to others. I have all this opportunity to learn plenty, and I'm wasting it, retaining it to pass the next test or to rattle it off for a teacher. Granted, some of it, I really don't feel I'll need later in my life, but for the most part, I've been tossing it to the back of my mind (or out of it) without a second thought.

Reiterating, I've stopped meddling. I'm done bottling things up for the sake of prevention. It was ridiculous, and keeping me from being as happy as I could have been. I found that the more I kept to myself, the more I would cry or be angry. Without having to worry about it, the world seems much brighter, much clearer.

Thank you, Pooh. I never could have realized this without you.

Life Sentenced

After so long living in a prison, how would you even begin to live again on the outside? It's funny, how convicts are asked whether or not they've been rehabilitated, and ready to return as a normal citizen after 20 years or so. But even if they've become a changed man, how can they really expect to function normally after missing everything?

I saw the Shawshank Redemption the other day, and I don't think anyone sums this up better than Red,

"A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it."

The world changes from the inside to the outside. On the inside, everyone has their place, their purpose in the prison. On the outside, a man is just an ex-criminal who has barely a chance in the world to make something of himself. They may be a changed and regretful man, but society will only ever see them as the con they used to be. They have to adapt to the world with possibly no one, and live with all the memories and terror of prison life.

I don't necessarily see a better way to punish people who commit crimes, but in some cases, the way they are just released is only a continuation of their life sentence. Their life has already been taken away from them. Even with their freedom, some are lost with it.

Sick!

Serial killers make me want to study psychology. I find whatever reasoning that goes through their heads absolutely fascinating. What would drive someone to find pleasure in such a sick killing spree must be so strange. What makes me so attracted, is probably because I could never imagine myself killing anyone, or ever intentionally torturing or hurting anyone.

We talked about Jeffery Dahmer today in art. Mr. B apparently was friends with his neighbor. We discussed how Dahmer was glad to finally be locked, that he was happy that he was there so he couldn't do what he was doing anymore. It is so interesting to think that he knew exactly what he was doing, but couldn't help himself. Couldn't stop himself. He expressed remorse during his trial after being found guilty and sane. Dahmer remarked on the fact that he didn't want anyone else to be like him. He was killed in prison by an inmate, and his brain was saved for scientific study. I wonder if they ever found anything different in his head that made him function so bizarre.

Humans are so interesting. The way we think and react to things are so different than anything else on earth. It just makes me wonder sometimes...what are they thinking?

Sigh

I have absolutely no reason for hating it. You aren't doing anything wrong.

I have no reason left to hate. That's a lie. I hate what she's done to you. But you've forgiven her, and that's what counts. I like her, she's nice. But that green monster can't help creepin!

You have a history. It's been gone for a long time. I trust you completely, but something still hates that you're doing it. Couldn't tell you why...

I suppose there's that small amount of paranoia, that things will slip back to the way they were, but I doubt it at the same time.

Human emotions make no sense, and this is a perfect example.

The end.

Cheaters cheaters pumpkin eaters.

GAH!

I hate cheaters. I understand the homework problem that you don't understand, and you copy it down to see the process of how it's done, or an explanation. But just flat out cheating on a quiz or a test is just a bad idea. It doesn't allow you to learn the material should an actual test come along, and it shows an amount of selfishness and pride for being unable to accept the fact that you just don't know it. You can't accept the bad grade you deserve for not studying. It's a subtle form of jealously, noticing that someone can get the answer and you can't due to your own fault.

DISCLAIMER> I'm a hypocrite. Though, I think everyone has cheated on something in their life. When something closes off, it's only nature for us to look for another path to get to the goal. In school, that's often cheating. Which is unfortunate. Since most schools have a no-tolerance policy for cheating.

It's just disappointing to me. To see people who hate cheaters, cheat themselves out of desperation.

Concentration. Take two.

I have trouble concentrating when a lot of commotion is going on around me. Particularly with music. If two different songs are playing at once, I can't handle it. The clashing keys, notes, and melodies make my head only ache.

My mom can study and do all her work with the tv on. I just...don't understand how she does it. I can only concentrate in silence, or with certain types of music. Either, depending on my mood, or just things I don't know very well, so I can't sing along or become distracted by it.

I can work, however, with people. Other people being there forces me to concentrate, because I would feel bad for distracting them should I distract. Therefore, I actually get things done, provided there aren't any other obnoxious distractions around us...(siblings, sirens, etc.)

Different people can handle different things. It's probably to our advantage to figure out what works and what doesn't as soon as possible. For obvious reasons. Glad I figured it out.

Just another dabble. Sitting in choir, with both pianos going, plus someone singing something completely different.

Help!

concentration

I cant concentra

New Shoes part. 2

On consideration. What I described, is the looking-glass effect. It's only an example of people trying on other things to see what gets the positive feedback from their peers. The more compliments, the more positive. In retrospect, I suppose we've all done it. I can definitely say I have. I would have never thought to get this haircut if not for a friend of mine who had it first a while ago. We've all made jokes to others that were first told to us. 

We discussed it today. How no one is truly original, because we all take bits and pieces of the people we're around the most. We all conform to each other. That's why cliques are the way they are. Because the people who hang out are similar within that clique, they all act and dress similarly... It's ironic to think that so many of these cliques think to defy the common concept of image. To not conform, though they're all conformists to each other and to the other people who are also attempting to resist conforming to whatever it is that everybody seems to be doing...

I think that everyone is unique, though. Although we're all using the same traits of everyone, we're all different amounts of those traits that make us different. 

I said, hey, I put some new shoes on and everybody's smiling, it's so inviting.

I cut my hair about a week ago. 

It's like a new pair of shoes. Nothing's changed, but everything feels different. Cooler. However, in reality, we all know that inherently nothing has changed. We're still the same person inside. The same knowledge, traits, family remains. It's only the appearance that changes. Is it weird to think that despite some efforts, a lot of us are materialistic? Or as a society we are?

Well... I know that's true. 

It's strange to think that something as simple as a haircut or a new piece of clothing can boost one's self-esteem. Although, realizing that that is the most given comment any gives daily, not totally surprising. Not as often do you hear people commenting others on their morals or personality. I guess I could say I'm disappointed to be giving into the materialistic ways of our society, I don't mind. I like my haircut.

People.

I've been thinking about doing this since it was posted. Thought I would do it now. So. here it goes. He was right, what good is it if it's not applied.  Some of these were periodical, and may not be true anymore, some still hold, some are new. 

The people to trust are the ones who hate you, they'll do exactly as you expect

Hunter Flagg, Taylor Atwood, Rachel Lamb, that anonymous commenter who needs to grow a pair and say it to my face. 

The people to fear are the ones who have no doubts, they can't see themselves
My father, Mrs. Lauson-Iriarte, Zach Wells. other various teachers. radicals. Kayla Sasala. 

The people to need are the ones who owe you nothing, they'll be the most honest
My immediate family. My cats. Darcy Fyffe.  

The people to want are the ones you love, for obvious reasons
My father, mother, sister, Darcy Fyffe, Katelyn Yonkers, Ian Cassidy, Jake Hays, John Michael Sudsina. 

The people to be wary of are the ones who are fragile, you might break them
My mother, myself, my sister, Jake Hays, Taylor Atwood, Hunter Flagg. 

The people who need you are the people you owe nothing, they don't expect you, and that makes all the difference
I...couldn't tell you who. There are people I would like to think, but none for certain. Actually. My cat, Sam. If that counts. 

The people who make changes are the one's who don't shout, for they are the one's best heard
Brian Katona, Reshma Patel, Annick Dall, 

The people who make you are the people who you make, they see themselves in you, and you see you in them
My Mother, my Father, my sister, Grammy, Nannan, Ian Cassidy, 

The people who eat the most have the most to fear, they're contentment won't save them when we're all running from a bear
I disagree actually. I know plenty of people who eat a TON and are as thin as a board. But if you are a ton, good luck.

The people who say the least are the one's to listen for, they are the people who hear the most
Brian Katona, Miguel Benedict, Grandma Eunie, Reshma Patel, Ian Kropp. 

The happiest people know what they have, not what they want
Reshma Patel, Mr. and Mrs. Durbin, Ian Kropp, Brian Katona, Nannan and Papa.

The people who know you are the people you treat the worst, they can see your faults
Ian Cassidy, Taylor Atwood, my sister, Hunter Flagg. 

The people who love you are the people who know you, but forgive you

Ian Cassidy, my mother, father, and sister. Darcy Fyffe, Jake Hays.

This list...is subject to changes. Infact. I'm planning on re-doing it in a year. See where these stand then. Show what's changed, what hasn't. It's important to constantly apply. Life isn't always static. 

I'm a defeatist?

A defeatist- a person who expects or is excessively ready to accept failure.

I've been often called that, but Ive always viewed myself as an optimist. I like to think that I usually am. Though sometimes, I agree, it's difficult. I tend to do it most when I feel singled out, or if a similar failing outcome tends to occur. Particularly with videogames. Mostly, I'm just  not coordinated enough to excel at them, which causes me to lean more towards board games and card games. With videogames, there is never a fair chance for everyone to win. Playing the same games with the same people makes it difficult to do any better when your opponents are sick-good at that kinda of coordination. Realistically, it's tough coming in last the high majority of the time. I suppose I should be optimistic that I win at all. I'm not a competitive person in many things, and I would rather not be viewed as one. For some reason...defeatist just has a negative connotation with me. Ian coined the phrase on me, and I would rather have it not stick. 

In reflection, everyone is a defeatist about something in their life. It just feels like I'm the one singled out. (Ain't that ironic) Also, there are a lot of things people think of others that everyone doesn't like. Everybody has a trait that they probably could live without. It's just up to everyone to accept or defy them. 

Sayin gee, Nina, what'll you be?

I'm a bird. We're all birds. We're sitting in our nests, and we're about to be shoved out of it. It's a fly or fail test. Either way, we're being pushed but we might as well try. 

I've wanted to be an archaeologist for a long time. I'm volunteering at a camp this summer to learn the ropes and get involved. But... what happens if I decide I don't want to do what I thought I did? Where do I go from there?  Growing up, I always had the pre-conceived notion of where I was going. I was given options for courses in school, and I decided I was going to be smart and push myself. And now that we're here, almost at the end. We have a giant choice to make. What are we going to do with the rest of our lives? 

My parents told me whether I wanted to or not, I'm going to college. But I want to anyway. If I don't want to be an archaeologist...what will I be? I've been told that I'd excel at anything I set my mind to... I hope their right.

And for the record, if it doesn't happen, don't you dare say "I told you so."

Is my picture in her locker?

I'm terrified of going away to college. It'll be the first time just being on my own for such an extended period of time. I suppose that's how it is for most kids. My mom is sending me off to a camp this summer. I'll have to drive a few hours by myself, stay in a hotel and go to this camp on my own. And that'll be the first time I've ever been by myself. Like a prep. 

People say high school doesn't matter, because most of the people you meet there you'll never see again. I'm terrified of leaving friends and never seeing them again. I feel like the group of friends I'm around are all so close, I could never imagine being this close to other people. Most of them I've known since I moved here, who I've grown up with. I've seen them grow and change, and they've seen me..  

Just a little blurb to say I'm sad that we'll all be leaving and going on with our lives. Blink182 made me think of it. 

And consequently so

I always find myself doing particular actions in a fierce attempt to prevent things from happening...and then, despite all my efforts, because of those efforts, the prevented action happens anyway. I stand, and I think to myself. If I hadn't worried about it in the first place, it probably would have never happened! *headdesk*

Either...I worry too much which causes that worried event to happen, Or it's just fate and there's nothing I can do about it. It was simply meant to happen and that's that. I suppose there is no way to track whether it was destined to happen or not. There is no machine that will take me back in time to try something different and see the outcome. How interesting life would be, if one could try different actions and then pick the best of the actions tested... I suppose that would be everyone's 'perfect world.' It would be without mistakes, or less of them to say the least. 

I've recently decided that I will just stop taking insane precautions. I'll just cry and let it out, and then it'll be over. There's no use bottling it. Too much pressure makes things explode. And exploding is just messy, and it's not fair to make someone else clean it up. 

This is so unfair!

I've noticed how everyone becomes the sore loser at one point in their life. Everything is fair, until you lose. Until it happens to you. 

I noticed this particularly when we played our own game of survivor. There were thirteen of us playing, plus a moderator. We competed in challenges until the final two, in which case, the people who were voted out vote the winner. The point of the game is to outplay and outlast other competitors, and often times this means getting rid of good players because of their threatening qualities. Some of the people started complaining about aspects of the game, but...I don't feel like a lot of it was legitimate. 

If you got voted out, that means you didn't play the game as well as you could have. Your alliances didn't hold up, or you didn't make any at all, anything that made you vulnerable in the game. Some people just cannot accept the fact that they had to go, but know perfectly well that they would be totally fine if they were on the other side of the glass.  

This only reaffirms the fact that everyone's a hypocrite. That's all. A sort of ranty rant.

What kinda hat would you wear?

My train of thought is much different than a lot of other people. For one, I think more in emotions and pictures than I do in words. I find it hard to stay on topic, or something will always remind me of something else so it's difficult to stay focused for long periods of time if it isn't something I'm interested in. 

 Often enough my mind moves very fast. It goes from one topic to something that would seem completely unrelated... Like a very, very super speedy slide show. (Nice alliteration, no?) 

I can start off thinking about frogs, then think frogs sit on lillypads, to ponds, to swans (who swim in ponds) to The Swan Princess (one of the most hilarious animated films EVER), to magic (since the bad guy turns into the beast in the end), to wands, to wood, trees, to the earth, to leaves and stems, stems to flowers, daisies, that song called Daisy, to love, to holding hands...etc.

Frogs...to holding hands. And some of the connections I make, may not make sense, but in my mind, it is totally logical. I think everyone's like that though in some way. People wouldn't disagree as often if everyone thought the same way. What is logical to one person certainly cannot always be logical to another person. Although I wish there wasn't so much controversy, life wouldn't hardly be as interesting if everyone agreed all the time. Granted, sometimes. I really don't understand what people could be thinking. 

I don't have it.

Today in the middle of my art exam, my teacher came over to me and told me that I needed to work on my sense of color. He told me that I tend to get confused, and that I was going about it in a direction that probably didn't work for my art. That there was a fine line between going realistically and drawing whimsically animated, and due my inexperience as a young artist, I'm still having trouble finding that line. That it seems I'm often really unsure, and that although I would like to have freedom in my work, that maybe it's not time yet. 

Naturally, it threw me for my whole exam. Suddenly, my painting looked all wrong and funny... instinctually, I painted over it. For the last half hour, I frustratedly attempted to do something to make it look better, but everything looked merely clumsy and amateurish.  

I left the exam suddenly feeling very scared and intimidated of art -Like anything I was going to put down on paper was going to come out horrible and wrong. I was even afraid to doodle, something that usually lets me just express myself and not worry. My thoughts felt suddenly confined and boxed because they were beaten and are too afraid to return... Like a forced artist's block. 

After further reflection, and some other frightening rejection anecdotes, I've come to the realization (again), that people learn from their mistakes. Like many others who are knocked down, I must get back up again and move on. As they say, the only way to get better is to practice, practice, practice. 

Girls are the root of all evil.

Girls are complicated. I won't lie. Often we say one thing, mean another. Negatively skew things and are easily insulted. We absolutely need open communication, but terrify those out of honesty. 

I know I always say that honesty is the best policy. When someone tells me they're afraid to tell me because I'll get mad, I'll get mad. I can't help it. I don't like thinking that I'm not approachable in any sort of fashion. Even if I do become upset, it's better to know and work it out, than to hide feelings which only leads to tension later.

I believe strongly in communication. Mostly because when communication doesn't happen, problems tend to occur. So please, just say what you want to say.

Scored Discussion.

I'm not a competitive person. I don't like competing for things. All I find it brings, is ill feelings toward people, over something silly. It's much less stressful for me to just play a game to play the game- Not to focus on kicking the crap out of my friends and reveling in total world dominating bragging rights that may come along with it. 

It's similar for my grade. I had scored discussions (sorry Wilcox) because it's all a competition for a grade. It's based on a curve that starts at the person who has performed the best. There is no real rubric, only competition. Based on the past scored discussion, it relies on who can talk the most and who can bring up the most relevent points. If you aren't an aggressive person, like me, this is difficult. I have plenty  of things to say, but between me and another outspoken person, I have no chance.

  I don't like competing. Especially for my grade. By monopolizing, I earn the resentment of my classmates for not letting them say anything, but a better grade. By not saying anything, I don't interfere with another's grade, but I lower my own. (In this case, my grade immensely depends on this.) Why is this suddenly a moral decision? Is it even? 

Last scored discussion, I walked out feeling most of us had done very well, and talked regularly. There were some who talked more than others, but those people, most of us considered were the monopolizers. Unfortunately, those were the people who got the best grades. I checked my grade, low B. I didn't understand. I've come to the conclusion that to get a good grade, you need to talk a lot. Unfortunately, I'm concerned of mine and others' capability. Is this fair?

This is already a comment, but what the heck.

Someone brought up dressing up to go to church, and I would like to share a small thought about it. 

I think the ultimate point of going to worship, is to worship. It is by no means worrying about whether you're cool-casual outfit is matching your shoes. I suppose some say to dress up is being respectful, or showing respect, but I feel like God (in my case) knows me anyway. If I can pray to him in my pajamas, or in the shower, should it really change for church? 

In the middle ages, when people alike went to church daily, particularly peasants, did they change their clothes to go to church? I doubt it. 

(By the way, I'm not claiming I know knowledge. If someone would like to prove me wrong about that, I'd be happy to humble down.)

My point is, people go to church for their religion. I think something like dressing up shouldn't be an issue about it, or debated.  You can dress up or dress down. It should not matter.

Art it up.

This weekend. I need in essence two projects done by tuesday. As a requirement, I look up an artist every week, and this past week, I came across an artist who was famous for drawing squares. My first instinct was, "How could that be considered art?! I could do that!" 

And then it occurred to me. Art is not something that can be defined in the context I originally remarked upon it as. Art is an expression of the person. It's not something that can be defined by the technicalities or originality. Although, its popularity often largely depends on the accuracy to reality, or sometimes not at all, it's truly about expression of the artist themselves. 

Although I personally would not express myself by making a painting of a black canvas and then being finished, if there was a motive behind that black canvas, kudos. If art doesn't have a motive, I can't help but not consider it art. Something can be considered 'artistic', but for it to be undeniably art, there has to be at least a feeling or thought put into it. 

If you give a cat a cupcake...

Recently, I did my oral presentation on Wuthering Heights, (lovely, no?). It was over how people who are restricted from things they desire, only tend to desire things more. Us as humans started this trend, even at the beginning of time with Adam and Eve. It is natural to never feel satisfied. There is always something we, as people desire, especially something we cannot have.  

Admittedly, it is hard to become satisfied physically or emotionally. Naturally our bodies constantly desire food, water, shelter. To be without it is impossible to survive. You eat regularly throughout the day, because eating only once doesn't satisfy the need. Emotionally, we need love, and I believe some amount of attention. If not, we feel neglected or sad.  We need love, and we need it often. 

Not having what you desire can be draining to someone. It's been proven that when something interferes with an item that we've always had access to, it's only instinct to want and try to posses that item more than before. The more frustrated we become, the more wanting we endure. 

I had a conversation with someone a bit ago about the truly good people in life. That there are few people who do not think me, me, me. It's strange that those people are often those who are satisfied. Who are content with what they have. I find it so interesting how those people achieve that state. Or maybe, their wants and needs are just not as apparent as others or they are not as vocal about it. How do these people get to the point where they don't need to actively show what they want. Or maybe they do, but it certainly doesn't seem that way. 

Perhaps, you find satisfaction when you are not looking for it. This seems near impossible since we all have wants. But perhaps, it's like things you lose. You tear the house apart and find nothing, no satisfaction. And when you aren't on your rampage, you glance over and WOAH. There it is, unexpectedly. Maybe that is house satisfaction works out after all. You just live and let live, and your cat won't need sprinkles on it's cupcake. 

I think therefore I exist?

I think, therefore I am. 

It boggles me to think of other philosophers. That sentence alone proves I exist? Do other things not exist around me? Is it just me? I suppose the mind is powerful enough to create an environment around me, but it's so bizzare to think that way. Who decided that thinking was what decided our existence? 

Is there really no other way to prove our existence? 

Although, I suppose in questioning our existence only proves our existence. You can't question about being tall if you aren't tall. You cannot question being angry if you aren't angry at all. Therefore, following the same line of thought, you cannot question your existence if you do not exist at all. 

I suppose thinking really does prove your existence. 

FAIL

Just a fast note to say...

Procrastination got the better of me. 

I did lots of homework on the last day of break. 

I failed.

Theend. 

Puppets vs. Puppeteers.

About a year ago, my friend and I contemplated whether or not we were destined to meet and be together. 

I told him that I thought so. 

He asked why. 

"God has a plan for all of us, we all have a destiny."  

"So... what about free will?"

I didn't know what to say. We all make conscious decisions in life from small to important, but if we all have a destiny, that would only imply the decisions we make were pre-determined.

After watching the second Matrix movie, Neo meets with the oracle, and he says that she must already know the decisions that he is about to make. The oracle smiles and says yes, but he had to figure out why he made those choices. 

Some people also say, that maybe our fate is only pre-planned to a point which depends on the choices we make. Some people are predictable, which may explain why that is. The choice we make will alter our future. It could have gone one way, but another decision would have changed that. Times are always changing? 

Upon returning to our conversation more recently, I've come to the conclusion that I don't mind if I don't have free will. If all of my decisions were already guessed and planned out in a larger scheme of things, I think it is more important to figure why we make the decisions we do. Bad decisions only teach us to make our better ones later. You couldn't have the good decisions without the previous horrible ones. That's what I think. 

.ha. 

The truest sentence you know.

A challenge that I read and would normally pass off, except for now that my brain has been slightly molded over the past semester, I took the challenge. I almost want to think about it, write my thoughts now, and see if it changes by the end of the year. The end of next year, or the end of my life. A nice adventure, no?

I asked around the people I am around the most and some people I rarely see, and got a variety of answers, including mine:

-People are irrational, but we love.

-There is a statement truer than "all chocolate is good chocolate."

-All is full of love.

-Burnt coffee is the worst smell in the world.

-You can do trigonometry with any triangle.

-A lot of things are truely true.

-Everything is temporary.

-I am an accumulation of my thoughts and actions.

-Nothing technically, since no on really knows if we even exist or if we're mere figments of something else. But homework sucks.

-Do something you love, then everything seems to work out.

It astounds me that people who are around each other so often, and learn the same things can end up giving so many different answers. So often I think we are all so alike, yet we are all so different. You can tell by glancing at the answers which people are logical, and which emotional. It's interesting to me to see that people who I know to be emotional thinkers did not answer with emotions, but with facts, and vis versa. Funny how people defy the common theme from which they are judged as. But people shouldn't be rational, it's less exciting.

Everybody's a Critic.

It's true. Just a short post to say: 

AS HARD AS I TRY, I CAN'T HELP NOT JUDGING YOU. 

I do my best to keep an open mind and look at every situation from your point of view, but I admit. I don't understand. Whatsoever. I'm trying though, but you don't earn points for life. (chad?!) 

I do not understand how you can complain and vent every time you open your mouth, and think it is wrong when others criticize after you. Ridiculous. 

It amazes me how blind some people can be to their surroundings, or actions for that matter. I know from experience, it took three friends and my mother to finally convince me I was disregarding many in my selfish attempts to be alone with a single person. Shocked, I remember being, at how oblivious I was being to my friend's feelings and sad that more of them didn't come to me sooner.  

From that point on, I have tried not to be a negative nancy about the criticism I receive from the people who are close to me. They are usually right. It's good every once in a while, to sit your pride onto the loser-bench and just humble down. Everyone needs to admit they were wrong once in a while. How else will you learn?