Everybody's a Critic.

It's true. Just a short post to say: 

AS HARD AS I TRY, I CAN'T HELP NOT JUDGING YOU. 

I do my best to keep an open mind and look at every situation from your point of view, but I admit. I don't understand. Whatsoever. I'm trying though, but you don't earn points for life. (chad?!) 

I do not understand how you can complain and vent every time you open your mouth, and think it is wrong when others criticize after you. Ridiculous. 

It amazes me how blind some people can be to their surroundings, or actions for that matter. I know from experience, it took three friends and my mother to finally convince me I was disregarding many in my selfish attempts to be alone with a single person. Shocked, I remember being, at how oblivious I was being to my friend's feelings and sad that more of them didn't come to me sooner.  

From that point on, I have tried not to be a negative nancy about the criticism I receive from the people who are close to me. They are usually right. It's good every once in a while, to sit your pride onto the loser-bench and just humble down. Everyone needs to admit they were wrong once in a while. How else will you learn?

To church or not to church

I don't attend church. On any sort of basis. I wish I did, and I used to, but ever since my parents pulled us from our church (along with everyone on the east side who attended), my religion has been shaky. 

My dad says it was a cult. It was a Christian Fellowship, and to be honest, nothing they were preaching was wrong. (From what I believe.) The teachings were based off of stories and scripture in the bible, and how we can rely and incorporate god into our life.  The youth program was excellent, probably the best aspect of the church. The problem was not in the messages, but in the leadership. 

My parents don't really talk about it much, but from what I understand, people were being ostracized and manipulated, controlled and attacked. Eventually it got to the point where half of the church left, and we haven't seen anyone who still attends since. 

It makes me sad, because this had been the church I attended for the majority of my life. (minus five years overseas) My parents seem to have shied away from any more churches, and now they seem reluctant in returning to once a week worship. Although now that I'm driving, I can theoretically attend church on my own if I really wanted to. 

But honestly, I'm terrified. 

I am finding myself crossed between where to even start looking for a church. I've never really been told which denomination I fall under. When asked what my religion is, my response has always been, "Christian." To which I get the smug reply of "What kind?" And I'm stumped.

Even when I attended church, I had difficulty answering this question. I don't really know much about the differences between each type, or even what they all are. But even before that, there's part that does not feel ready, like I'm betraying some part of me. 

Without the weekly dose of spiritual guidance, my faith (whatever that is now) has declined, and though I feel a need to fulfill it, I cannot even think how to begin...

Post Secret.

This journal is dedication to Reshma, who first introduced my to this website through a journal she posted a long time ago. I only remember reading the first paragraph, where she introduced the website, and then stopped. (Sorry, but it was for this purpose I didn't.) Just in the first paragraph, she was able to sell me on visiting this site and inspire me to write this journal. I was afraid that if I read what she thought of the site, I would not be able to form my own opinion on it. Which is why the first thing I am doing after posting this, is reading the rest of her post. 

PostSecret is a site where people can send in postcards and anonymously admit secrets. I love this idea, and have visited the site every week since Reshma's post. 

In a way, it is almost comforting to me to read other people's secrets: Things that they probably would never share to anyone they know, and occasionally some that they do. There have been many moments where I have considered sending in a postcard, and sharing something that I've never shared with anyone before. There would be no feeling of regret that often tags along when secrets are spread, or worry that someone I knew would know it was me... That's the purpose of the anonymity. So often I find myself wishing I had never spilled some things, realizing that it may have been just too personal to share. But there are also those secrets that feel so good to let out, and express. PostSecret is one of those ways. Total strangers getting a glimpse inside you while you get a glimpse inside them. 

PostSecret has been my once a week reminder that nobody is perfect. 

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Smile. Part zwei.

I tried another smiling test today. To see how people who didn't know why I was smiling would react. I tested it on my family, and all through dinner my face was adorned in a bright teeth-showing smile. And they reacted exactly how I predicted they would. 

My mother could not stop furrowing her eyebrows at me and neither could a friend of the family, who was eating over. My mother, mother's friend, father and sister then continued to conspire what could be "wrong with me" to make me smile like I was. 

The guesses follow:

Honey, did you inhale too much cleaning fumes? (We cleaned the whole house today, my aunt is coming)

Are you on drugs?

Did you take Prozac? (followed by, "How could you, I didn't write you a prescription...")

Is there something in my teeth?

She's up to something...

Did you put something in the pie?

You, aren't engaged, are you?!

In retrospect, it was actually almost impossible not to smile. I highly suggest this experiment to anyone who wants to test reactions, or just needs to smile.  

In all honesty, I think it's too bad how people don't expect others to smile. It's sad to me... making me wish people smiled more. So smile gosh darnit!

Put on a happy face!

I consider myself a pretty happy person. I have minimal complaints, and for the most part, I like my life. Though, I believe a large part of this is to have come from the amount of time I spend smiling. I smile for all occasions: at people in the halls, at jokes, or just because I am purely enjoying myself. 

Yes, I'm partly aware of whatever scientific reason proves this. Something about endorphins(I think?) being released by some trigger(or signal?) from possible muscles when you smile. (Oh yes, take note of my expansive knowledge there.) But I think it's more than this. 

Our bodies all have muscle memory. You do something one time, and the body stores a memory of it, so it is easier to perform at another time. Perhaps it is the same with smiling? All through our lives, we smile when we are happy, mirthful, laughing, or delighted. I find it very possible, that when we smile, our bodies could be making a memory of the feeling when smiling occurs. The mind can recall feelings, make you feel sad or upset over things, that have happened recently or years ago. I do not think there is an impediment for happy feelings.

So, I put it to the test. Today in TOK, I sat with a few of my friends, and smiled for about 25 minutes straight. (Yes, it hurt.) When we finished, I immediately noticed myself in a brighter mood. I was willing to laugh and enjoy more than I probably would have had we not done it. Part of it was because the smiles we were attempting were a little droopy by the end, and were just too hilarious to not smile. But the other component, I feel, really has to do with smiling itself. It surely makes you happier, instantly. I guarantee it. C: 

I take thee, procrastination, to be my lawful wedded...

I never understood why people do it to themselves. What force on the planet drives them to put things off for later, when they can do them right then? We're always perfectly aware of how horrible it will be in the future once it is put off, yet we still insist on it. 

The usual mentality being, that by some miracle you will suddenly be filled with the work ethic in 12 hours that you seem to lack in the present. And then you go and do something else instead of working, but all you can think about is what you are not getting done! 

Although I do think distraction is a big part of it with me. It would be much more convenient if the television was not going when I happen to pass through the room. 

And even this journal entry is the perfect example. Because it's been a draft that has been constantly edited for a running month! Ridiculous, no?

The mind is lazy. Especially after being worked for 8 hours, everyday, all week. There is a point where it says, "Sheesh! I deserve a break. You can do this tomorrow." And generally, we give in, and then go through one stressful day of thinking the next day to make up for lost time. And after that day, our mind is exhausted again. It's a cycle! 

Winter Break (<- look. I'm politically correct! -_-) is coming up in a few days, and I'm very aware of the homework that I will possibly have over it. I am encouraging those of us who will be in my position, to come with me. In my fight against...procrastination! I vow not to do homework on the last day of break...we'll see how my mind feels.  

Those greedy Americans...

Do not have any holidays where the focus is something other than presents or food. 

That was how I intended to start this journal. I really tried to think of all the reasons why Americans are greedy on holidays, but I tripped. I cannot make myself relate to write sentence upon sentence of rant. I have trouble putting myself into another family, because in my naivety, I feel like other families treat holidays the way my family does. However, I know this is not true in certain cases, for how many other families have a birthday on Christmas Eve (Me.), and then Christmas (My dad.)? 

But with holidays like Thanksgiving, before we eat we always go around the table and say what we're thankful for. I usually mumble something quietly along the lines of, "I'm thankful for my family, and our safety. That we have food on the table...etc." 

Admittedly, I don't really listen to what my family has to say, because in the mean time, I'm too busy saying what I'm really thankful for. In my head. (Horrible, right?) Although I hope that a lot of families share around the table, I cannot help but doubt that so many of them are reeaaalllly thankful for what they are saying. Are they really grateful for what they have? Just from eavesdropping over conversations of others, I really think they don't. 

I can't help but feel like people really expect to be given things on Christmas, instead of being the one to give. When did Halloween turn from celebrating the end of the "lighter" half of the year, to a candy-giving palooza where a lot of kids don't even dress up anymore? It's sad to me, that that has what it has become. 

I suppose upon reflecting over this, I did end up bashing anyway. So..whoop! I did what I intended. ^^;