I'm a defeatist?

A defeatist- a person who expects or is excessively ready to accept failure.

I've been often called that, but Ive always viewed myself as an optimist. I like to think that I usually am. Though sometimes, I agree, it's difficult. I tend to do it most when I feel singled out, or if a similar failing outcome tends to occur. Particularly with videogames. Mostly, I'm just  not coordinated enough to excel at them, which causes me to lean more towards board games and card games. With videogames, there is never a fair chance for everyone to win. Playing the same games with the same people makes it difficult to do any better when your opponents are sick-good at that kinda of coordination. Realistically, it's tough coming in last the high majority of the time. I suppose I should be optimistic that I win at all. I'm not a competitive person in many things, and I would rather not be viewed as one. For some reason...defeatist just has a negative connotation with me. Ian coined the phrase on me, and I would rather have it not stick. 

In reflection, everyone is a defeatist about something in their life. It just feels like I'm the one singled out. (Ain't that ironic) Also, there are a lot of things people think of others that everyone doesn't like. Everybody has a trait that they probably could live without. It's just up to everyone to accept or defy them. 

Sayin gee, Nina, what'll you be?

I'm a bird. We're all birds. We're sitting in our nests, and we're about to be shoved out of it. It's a fly or fail test. Either way, we're being pushed but we might as well try. 

I've wanted to be an archaeologist for a long time. I'm volunteering at a camp this summer to learn the ropes and get involved. But... what happens if I decide I don't want to do what I thought I did? Where do I go from there?  Growing up, I always had the pre-conceived notion of where I was going. I was given options for courses in school, and I decided I was going to be smart and push myself. And now that we're here, almost at the end. We have a giant choice to make. What are we going to do with the rest of our lives? 

My parents told me whether I wanted to or not, I'm going to college. But I want to anyway. If I don't want to be an archaeologist...what will I be? I've been told that I'd excel at anything I set my mind to... I hope their right.

And for the record, if it doesn't happen, don't you dare say "I told you so."

Is my picture in her locker?

I'm terrified of going away to college. It'll be the first time just being on my own for such an extended period of time. I suppose that's how it is for most kids. My mom is sending me off to a camp this summer. I'll have to drive a few hours by myself, stay in a hotel and go to this camp on my own. And that'll be the first time I've ever been by myself. Like a prep. 

People say high school doesn't matter, because most of the people you meet there you'll never see again. I'm terrified of leaving friends and never seeing them again. I feel like the group of friends I'm around are all so close, I could never imagine being this close to other people. Most of them I've known since I moved here, who I've grown up with. I've seen them grow and change, and they've seen me..  

Just a little blurb to say I'm sad that we'll all be leaving and going on with our lives. Blink182 made me think of it. 

And consequently so

I always find myself doing particular actions in a fierce attempt to prevent things from happening...and then, despite all my efforts, because of those efforts, the prevented action happens anyway. I stand, and I think to myself. If I hadn't worried about it in the first place, it probably would have never happened! *headdesk*

Either...I worry too much which causes that worried event to happen, Or it's just fate and there's nothing I can do about it. It was simply meant to happen and that's that. I suppose there is no way to track whether it was destined to happen or not. There is no machine that will take me back in time to try something different and see the outcome. How interesting life would be, if one could try different actions and then pick the best of the actions tested... I suppose that would be everyone's 'perfect world.' It would be without mistakes, or less of them to say the least. 

I've recently decided that I will just stop taking insane precautions. I'll just cry and let it out, and then it'll be over. There's no use bottling it. Too much pressure makes things explode. And exploding is just messy, and it's not fair to make someone else clean it up. 

This is so unfair!

I've noticed how everyone becomes the sore loser at one point in their life. Everything is fair, until you lose. Until it happens to you. 

I noticed this particularly when we played our own game of survivor. There were thirteen of us playing, plus a moderator. We competed in challenges until the final two, in which case, the people who were voted out vote the winner. The point of the game is to outplay and outlast other competitors, and often times this means getting rid of good players because of their threatening qualities. Some of the people started complaining about aspects of the game, but...I don't feel like a lot of it was legitimate. 

If you got voted out, that means you didn't play the game as well as you could have. Your alliances didn't hold up, or you didn't make any at all, anything that made you vulnerable in the game. Some people just cannot accept the fact that they had to go, but know perfectly well that they would be totally fine if they were on the other side of the glass.  

This only reaffirms the fact that everyone's a hypocrite. That's all. A sort of ranty rant.