To church or not to church

I don't attend church. On any sort of basis. I wish I did, and I used to, but ever since my parents pulled us from our church (along with everyone on the east side who attended), my religion has been shaky. 

My dad says it was a cult. It was a Christian Fellowship, and to be honest, nothing they were preaching was wrong. (From what I believe.) The teachings were based off of stories and scripture in the bible, and how we can rely and incorporate god into our life.  The youth program was excellent, probably the best aspect of the church. The problem was not in the messages, but in the leadership. 

My parents don't really talk about it much, but from what I understand, people were being ostracized and manipulated, controlled and attacked. Eventually it got to the point where half of the church left, and we haven't seen anyone who still attends since. 

It makes me sad, because this had been the church I attended for the majority of my life. (minus five years overseas) My parents seem to have shied away from any more churches, and now they seem reluctant in returning to once a week worship. Although now that I'm driving, I can theoretically attend church on my own if I really wanted to. 

But honestly, I'm terrified. 

I am finding myself crossed between where to even start looking for a church. I've never really been told which denomination I fall under. When asked what my religion is, my response has always been, "Christian." To which I get the smug reply of "What kind?" And I'm stumped.

Even when I attended church, I had difficulty answering this question. I don't really know much about the differences between each type, or even what they all are. But even before that, there's part that does not feel ready, like I'm betraying some part of me. 

Without the weekly dose of spiritual guidance, my faith (whatever that is now) has declined, and though I feel a need to fulfill it, I cannot even think how to begin...

Post Secret.

This journal is dedication to Reshma, who first introduced my to this website through a journal she posted a long time ago. I only remember reading the first paragraph, where she introduced the website, and then stopped. (Sorry, but it was for this purpose I didn't.) Just in the first paragraph, she was able to sell me on visiting this site and inspire me to write this journal. I was afraid that if I read what she thought of the site, I would not be able to form my own opinion on it. Which is why the first thing I am doing after posting this, is reading the rest of her post. 

PostSecret is a site where people can send in postcards and anonymously admit secrets. I love this idea, and have visited the site every week since Reshma's post. 

In a way, it is almost comforting to me to read other people's secrets: Things that they probably would never share to anyone they know, and occasionally some that they do. There have been many moments where I have considered sending in a postcard, and sharing something that I've never shared with anyone before. There would be no feeling of regret that often tags along when secrets are spread, or worry that someone I knew would know it was me... That's the purpose of the anonymity. So often I find myself wishing I had never spilled some things, realizing that it may have been just too personal to share. But there are also those secrets that feel so good to let out, and express. PostSecret is one of those ways. Total strangers getting a glimpse inside you while you get a glimpse inside them. 

PostSecret has been my once a week reminder that nobody is perfect. 

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/