To church or not to church

I don't attend church. On any sort of basis. I wish I did, and I used to, but ever since my parents pulled us from our church (along with everyone on the east side who attended), my religion has been shaky. 

My dad says it was a cult. It was a Christian Fellowship, and to be honest, nothing they were preaching was wrong. (From what I believe.) The teachings were based off of stories and scripture in the bible, and how we can rely and incorporate god into our life.  The youth program was excellent, probably the best aspect of the church. The problem was not in the messages, but in the leadership. 

My parents don't really talk about it much, but from what I understand, people were being ostracized and manipulated, controlled and attacked. Eventually it got to the point where half of the church left, and we haven't seen anyone who still attends since. 

It makes me sad, because this had been the church I attended for the majority of my life. (minus five years overseas) My parents seem to have shied away from any more churches, and now they seem reluctant in returning to once a week worship. Although now that I'm driving, I can theoretically attend church on my own if I really wanted to. 

But honestly, I'm terrified. 

I am finding myself crossed between where to even start looking for a church. I've never really been told which denomination I fall under. When asked what my religion is, my response has always been, "Christian." To which I get the smug reply of "What kind?" And I'm stumped.

Even when I attended church, I had difficulty answering this question. I don't really know much about the differences between each type, or even what they all are. But even before that, there's part that does not feel ready, like I'm betraying some part of me. 

Without the weekly dose of spiritual guidance, my faith (whatever that is now) has declined, and though I feel a need to fulfill it, I cannot even think how to begin...

Post Secret.

This journal is dedication to Reshma, who first introduced my to this website through a journal she posted a long time ago. I only remember reading the first paragraph, where she introduced the website, and then stopped. (Sorry, but it was for this purpose I didn't.) Just in the first paragraph, she was able to sell me on visiting this site and inspire me to write this journal. I was afraid that if I read what she thought of the site, I would not be able to form my own opinion on it. Which is why the first thing I am doing after posting this, is reading the rest of her post. 

PostSecret is a site where people can send in postcards and anonymously admit secrets. I love this idea, and have visited the site every week since Reshma's post. 

In a way, it is almost comforting to me to read other people's secrets: Things that they probably would never share to anyone they know, and occasionally some that they do. There have been many moments where I have considered sending in a postcard, and sharing something that I've never shared with anyone before. There would be no feeling of regret that often tags along when secrets are spread, or worry that someone I knew would know it was me... That's the purpose of the anonymity. So often I find myself wishing I had never spilled some things, realizing that it may have been just too personal to share. But there are also those secrets that feel so good to let out, and express. PostSecret is one of those ways. Total strangers getting a glimpse inside you while you get a glimpse inside them. 

PostSecret has been my once a week reminder that nobody is perfect. 

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Smile. Part zwei.

I tried another smiling test today. To see how people who didn't know why I was smiling would react. I tested it on my family, and all through dinner my face was adorned in a bright teeth-showing smile. And they reacted exactly how I predicted they would. 

My mother could not stop furrowing her eyebrows at me and neither could a friend of the family, who was eating over. My mother, mother's friend, father and sister then continued to conspire what could be "wrong with me" to make me smile like I was. 

The guesses follow:

Honey, did you inhale too much cleaning fumes? (We cleaned the whole house today, my aunt is coming)

Are you on drugs?

Did you take Prozac? (followed by, "How could you, I didn't write you a prescription...")

Is there something in my teeth?

She's up to something...

Did you put something in the pie?

You, aren't engaged, are you?!

In retrospect, it was actually almost impossible not to smile. I highly suggest this experiment to anyone who wants to test reactions, or just needs to smile.  

In all honesty, I think it's too bad how people don't expect others to smile. It's sad to me... making me wish people smiled more. So smile gosh darnit!

Put on a happy face!

I consider myself a pretty happy person. I have minimal complaints, and for the most part, I like my life. Though, I believe a large part of this is to have come from the amount of time I spend smiling. I smile for all occasions: at people in the halls, at jokes, or just because I am purely enjoying myself. 

Yes, I'm partly aware of whatever scientific reason proves this. Something about endorphins(I think?) being released by some trigger(or signal?) from possible muscles when you smile. (Oh yes, take note of my expansive knowledge there.) But I think it's more than this. 

Our bodies all have muscle memory. You do something one time, and the body stores a memory of it, so it is easier to perform at another time. Perhaps it is the same with smiling? All through our lives, we smile when we are happy, mirthful, laughing, or delighted. I find it very possible, that when we smile, our bodies could be making a memory of the feeling when smiling occurs. The mind can recall feelings, make you feel sad or upset over things, that have happened recently or years ago. I do not think there is an impediment for happy feelings.

So, I put it to the test. Today in TOK, I sat with a few of my friends, and smiled for about 25 minutes straight. (Yes, it hurt.) When we finished, I immediately noticed myself in a brighter mood. I was willing to laugh and enjoy more than I probably would have had we not done it. Part of it was because the smiles we were attempting were a little droopy by the end, and were just too hilarious to not smile. But the other component, I feel, really has to do with smiling itself. It surely makes you happier, instantly. I guarantee it. C: 

I take thee, procrastination, to be my lawful wedded...

I never understood why people do it to themselves. What force on the planet drives them to put things off for later, when they can do them right then? We're always perfectly aware of how horrible it will be in the future once it is put off, yet we still insist on it. 

The usual mentality being, that by some miracle you will suddenly be filled with the work ethic in 12 hours that you seem to lack in the present. And then you go and do something else instead of working, but all you can think about is what you are not getting done! 

Although I do think distraction is a big part of it with me. It would be much more convenient if the television was not going when I happen to pass through the room. 

And even this journal entry is the perfect example. Because it's been a draft that has been constantly edited for a running month! Ridiculous, no?

The mind is lazy. Especially after being worked for 8 hours, everyday, all week. There is a point where it says, "Sheesh! I deserve a break. You can do this tomorrow." And generally, we give in, and then go through one stressful day of thinking the next day to make up for lost time. And after that day, our mind is exhausted again. It's a cycle! 

Winter Break (<- look. I'm politically correct! -_-) is coming up in a few days, and I'm very aware of the homework that I will possibly have over it. I am encouraging those of us who will be in my position, to come with me. In my fight against...procrastination! I vow not to do homework on the last day of break...we'll see how my mind feels.  

Those greedy Americans...

Do not have any holidays where the focus is something other than presents or food. 

That was how I intended to start this journal. I really tried to think of all the reasons why Americans are greedy on holidays, but I tripped. I cannot make myself relate to write sentence upon sentence of rant. I have trouble putting myself into another family, because in my naivety, I feel like other families treat holidays the way my family does. However, I know this is not true in certain cases, for how many other families have a birthday on Christmas Eve (Me.), and then Christmas (My dad.)? 

But with holidays like Thanksgiving, before we eat we always go around the table and say what we're thankful for. I usually mumble something quietly along the lines of, "I'm thankful for my family, and our safety. That we have food on the table...etc." 

Admittedly, I don't really listen to what my family has to say, because in the mean time, I'm too busy saying what I'm really thankful for. In my head. (Horrible, right?) Although I hope that a lot of families share around the table, I cannot help but doubt that so many of them are reeaaalllly thankful for what they are saying. Are they really grateful for what they have? Just from eavesdropping over conversations of others, I really think they don't. 

I can't help but feel like people really expect to be given things on Christmas, instead of being the one to give. When did Halloween turn from celebrating the end of the "lighter" half of the year, to a candy-giving palooza where a lot of kids don't even dress up anymore? It's sad to me, that that has what it has become. 

I suppose upon reflecting over this, I did end up bashing anyway. So..whoop! I did what I intended. ^^;

Lyrics

Just taking a brief moment to say:

Lyrics speak to me. 

Not just because they are words, but sometimes, they are so clever, or beautiful, or relatable, they reach a point where I can listen to them over again. There are always certain lines that bring shivers up my spine, that cause me to look around (even when I'm by myself) and say, "That is SO good." From there, I rewind, and hear it again, smiling at the bit of melodic genius. 

Is it just me? 

I envy those who can come up with words that can invoke such feelings in people, for I have had my attempt at writing songs, and have most indubitably and unmistakably failed. 

We're getting dumber!?

I can't help but notice the trend in literature. As I look back at the years of writing, and see great pieces of work from (in no particular order) Homer and Aristotle, to Edgar Allen Poe, Jane Austen, Mark Twain, C. S. Lewis, and J.R.R Tolkien etc. All fantastic thinkers and writers who give us a glimpse into their time, or their values. Then I look at the writing of today and shudder, unable to help cringing thinking our society is defined by a bunch of vampire-crazed people.  

Yes, there are some beautiful books on vampires, but these books are hardly as popular as the ones sold to the drooling teen population. Over the past few years in English class, we have gone over things like, American literature reflects society of the time, and I cannot help but think. This, these books, are reflecting our society? 

Horrible. 

Will it change? I hope it is merely a quick trend that will be replaced by something much more deep and intense. With something that is worth delving into, to get a glimpse of something more than quick love and a little action. 

That Circle Song.

"A circle is round, it has no end, that's how long I'm going to be your friend."

Friendships change, they grow, and they die. They are much like life in that way. There are some that stick with you through your whole life, and other that come in for a part of it, then drift away, leaving their mark on your life to take with you wherever you go. 

Those who stay with you provide support, opinions, honesty, kindness. You can have good times and bad, but through it all, the relationship remains intact and strong. It can handle a few speed bumps because no relationship is perfect, and you know everything will be okay. However, others may find their time with you to not be as long as you would have liked. They find that they cannot be there for you the way you hoped they would, or there is too much between you to ever return to the way it was. Sometimes, it is hard to face the end of the road with someone you have been through a lot with. You may start questioning the necessity of the end, and whether it is worth it at all. 

There are times where it is hard to let go of people and relationships that have helped you get through rough patches, but in the end, it is sometimes time to stop. It doesn't mean everything must stop. There is no need to never speak to that person, or to not treat them with the kindness you always have. Just a quiet acceptance that you have grown apart, you are not interested in the same things, or there are just things that you can't work out.  It may be hard to understand, and sometimes, it can be fixed. But other times, they were only meant to be with you for a while, and now someone else gets a turn. It is now time for you to turn to others to fill the new gap, or just turn to the friends that you still have.  People grow apart. It happens, people need to be happy for the experience, and move on. 

Please dear. Don't join the army.

I have been anti-war almost my whole life. I went through the hitting phases of being a toddler, and a sibling, but now, I would like to say I'm proud to have grown out of that. I know that growing up, I was taught to share, and help other people. The ol' "Honey, why don't you let him have a turn?" or "Use your words," was always stressed for me. Sometimes, you don't get your way, and you have to deal with it. And other times, it is just nice to do things, because they make other people happy. I have a feeling, that most of us are brought up that way. To share and compromise, so that we can learn to deal with other people in our lives as we get older. 

What I don't understand, is how there is war going on. Between people, and countries. I don't understand how two five-year olds can sit and share the same doll, yet grown men and leaders cannot seem to work problems out. Instead they resort to warfare and violence. I do not see why it is necessary. War brings destruction, and loss to the world. Here I am, supposed to understand that we mature as we age. If people who lead others seem to fail at utilizing a lesson most people learn as children, what good is that?

Perception.

Upon speaking of perception this week in class, it reminded me of a time in middle school where our perception of taste was tested. We were all given different strips to taste, and our reactions were noted. Sometimes, something that I could not taste, tasted horrible or bitter to whoever was across from me. I recall leaving that class with a whole new outlook, having a small epiphany that consisted something along the lines of, "That's why people like different food!!"

Subsequently, this idea led to other thoughts about how we perceive different things. I moved from taste to sight, and considered color. I thought about people who are colorblind, who genetically perceive colors differently, and whether we all see different colors, but would never know it. 

For example, I could see the grass as green. But green to me, may be (my) blue to another. Someone's skin tone could be filled with a variety of peach tones and reds, but to another my peach could be their green.  Through their eyes, all the colors would be different, but referred to with the same names. We will never really know whether another person has a completely different color spectrum than your own. 

Nympha

After seeing the trailer for Nympha, a cloister-nun horror film, my mind was left turning by the amount of corruption that exists in people. 

            Nympha was a saint and martyr who was put to death for the faith at the beginning of the fourth century. Flashbacks of her life with her corrupted grandfather unfold as the movie depicts Sarah, a young woman who comes from the United States determined to lead a life as a devout nun of the New Order. This small group of nuns follow a very particular set of rules, believing each one must follow a path where one shall "hear" the Lord, "see" the Lord, "touch" the Lord and "speak" with the Lord…

            However each of these steps are so vigorous, physically and mentally, it's a torture. Sarah's ears are punctured, her eyes blinded with acid, her hands burned, and finally, her tongue removed so she can speak to the lord with only her soul. As each of these steps continues, Sarah begins to see and hear images and people that connect with the saint from the past. 

            It's strange, hearing about different cults, and having been in a much milder one, how devoted people are to their beliefs. They will go to such irrational lengths to continue their way, often so blinded to how morally wrong it could be. And unfortunately in most cases, there is no one there to tell them they are wrong, and get the chance to do something about it. These brave people are sometimes killed, exiled, forced out, ridiculed.... You would think if it were so wrong, more people would attempt to go against this corruption, or something would be done sooner.

 

Damn, that block.

You never see it coming, the small, yet powerful invisible cube that drops onto your mind like an anvil, and never fails to bring with it, stress, who is always tagging along. Always, the paper sign taped to the side reads: 

WRITER'S BLOCK

YOU WILL NOW EXPERIENCE THE ABSENCE OF THOUGHT

DEPARTURE: UNKNOWN

Sometimes, it stays for merely a few moments, until your mind finds a loophole in the weightless brick, other times it's for hours, or days, wreaking havoc on your creative thought. 

For instance, right now. I have absolutely no idea what to write. At all. I have no witty remarks about anything that I'm thinking about, and no creative thoughts to share. In terms of creativity, I find it ridiculous, that something can come along and leave us with absolutely nothing to create, or think of. Especially with the amount of knowledge the brain can hold, and how unique each person is. I find it so intriguing that something can put a stop to our flow of ideas, even if it is only for a moment. With the vastness of some people's minds, I don't understand why we do not always have something to create. 

Even now, still, I have nothing. And evidently, will leave you with nothing. 

LMNOP tests.

Every student dreads them, for we all have to take them. The test that's basically going to tell us what we can and cannot do in our lives. The SAT and the ACT. You get to sit down, rush through amounts of questions, and then be graded on it so someone else can tell you how intelligent you are. In most cases, these test scores are what colleges look for in applications. And I think it's absolutely ridiculous. 

I refuse to believe that tests such as these can determine one's mental capacity, for someone could be one of the greatest thinkers, artists, writers, etc., but if they are bad at taking tests, they are suddenly deemed slow, or unready for college. 

This being said, it would be nearly impossible to organize individual tests custom fitted for each student, but I do think some system that would let a student shine in a subject they excel at would be better. If you're wonderful at history, what good is a math/reading/writing test to you? How would that let a college know how good at history you were, if it does not even include the subject? 

Children believe in magic.

Small children always posses a certain quality that I have envied since my age has grown. The mischievous glint in their eyes when a small idea arrives never ceases until another equally crazy thought comes along to replace it. Their ability to dream and act as if nothing is impossible is a attribute to the small, smiling, round-faced people that scamper around that many seem to grow out of. 

Children believe in magic. They believe in Neverland, and Santa Claus. In flying off of the roof and digging holes to China. And with these drastic ideas, comes passionate enthusiasm. 

They will do whatever it takes to get this fantasy to work out, and never give up when trying. They hold on to their commitment so fervently, and never hesitate to report their progress. They try another method, another strategy, to get it to operate the way they need it too. They aren't afraid to try, or believe in anything. They aren't afraid of disappointment, or failure. They have the courage to believe the impossible and stick with their vision.

I don't understand why most of our excitement for invention and creation lessens as we age. Why people can no longer jump up and down with energy and happiness, and be satisfied and proud with the final result, or once in our pajamas, call it a day and try again tomorrow. To have the vigor to pursue something and feel ardently doing it should be a daily occurrence; To inspire others to accomplish miracles, and make them smile. A child's bravery and creativity so often inspires me to do the same in whatever I'm doing.We should think as children do, for any obstacle in life. 

Beauty

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, for I find that things I consider beautiful is often not considered so to another.  Beauty, I feel, is often an aesthetic problem that so many struggle to meet. Many change to impress, to live up to expectations, to feel beautiful. Despite this, I can’t help but feel those who go through such modifications were lovely before, in their own way.  I find that in people, the most attractive to me are those who have a unique feature. For me, everything about them cannot be so perfect, because then it is almost to the point where they are too attractive that they aren't attractive at all. Everyone knows humans aren't perfect, and in my opinion they should look as such. With that being said, I find there is an un-perfect perfectness to that, which is what attracts me to these strange aspects of their person. 

Is this so for everyone? It can definitely be stated that what I find unattractive may be attractive to another. One man's trash is another's treasure, after all. "...From the lover's point of view many things are beautiful which are unbeautiful from the point of view of him who is not a lover, and the greater the degree to which the lover is swayed by his passion the greater the extent to which his normal aesthetic standard is liable to be modified." - Havelock Ellis. One's personality attributes to their beauty, especially when viewed from someone close to them. To a stranger, judgments are based on appearance, and often rumors. However, to someone more intimate, their view could be completely altered. 

Beauty is often so trivial when compared against one's other qualities, yet the world in which we live in weighs so heavily on it. It is something which every person has in one form or another, though too many are focused on the physical facet. Beauty is a geometric gem and can be pulled from any side. Still, should we really insist on primarily pulling from the physical side, or will we ever be more than that?

Nine.

After seeing the movie 9, it has left me constantly thinking about the future of the planet.  The movie presents a setting in which “man’s endless pursuit for technology” made them blind to the resources that were being swallowed up more and more. A totalitarian government turned to scientists to create an artificial intelligence robot that will help the nation prosper, and before it’s finished testing it is taken away to build more machines like it. Unfortunately, the machine buckles under the government’s pressure and turns against humanity, ensuing chaos until no one is left. 

This movie, like Wall-E, made me feel particularly nervous about what will happen to the planet.  The human race is constantly expanding and overpopulation is an issue, as well as nuclear power, and our depleting resources. Granted, the possibility of this happening in my lifetime, I’m finding to be very slim, but to me, it is still very worrying.  Even so, is there a way we can possibly avoid this end, or is it eventually inevitable?

One's Pain is Another's Pleasure

There is no one I know who can honestly say they have never had the feeling of satisfaction knowing someone else was being thrown under the bus. Every person has someone in their life that they would probably not mind never seeing for the rest of their lives. Anyone who says differently is being hypocritical.

The simple fact that there is constantly the occasional time when another’s horrible day provokes a chuckle from our lips is truth.  We can’t help it. Often enough, perhaps to ease our conscience, we settle to think they have deserved whatever nasty fate their enduring. But is it up to us to judge? There are often times I get a perception that we have no place judging others, for no one can hardly be considered perfect. It is possible that we judge other’s faults in order to temporarily feel accomplished or successful. I can confirm that to know of someone reveling in my misfortune would definitely disappoint, but each time I consider, should I be understanding, or offended?

 Although, sometimes having that momentary thought of, “Well…glad that’s not happening to me,” may often cause people to reevaluate their lives, and possibly make them feel grateful or thankful. With that being said, if we were all more willing to be more compassionate to our enemies, it is possible that the small elementary tip, to treat others the way you would like to be treated, could help us let go of said judgments?  Unfortunately, one man’s pain is another’s pleasure, we are human, and certainly do not all think the same.

 I think many people are resistant to change who they are or how they act, but I have certainly found, that the more I’ve attempted to understand, the happier I’ve been, all together contradicting the very statement that brought this on.